grow up, slim down

reading back on my blog, reflecting on my life, i've realized.

i have to grow up.

truth is, i'm a kid at heart. a big one. i don't phrase my sentences "sophisticatedly", i dress so childishly, i even sound childish.

i'm somewhat ashamed of what i am. Seeing everyone blossom into such beautiful young adults makes me feel. sort of. left behind?

it's not that i haven't tried growing up. i mean, i've definitely tried dressing up, and talking monotonously  maturely. and acting less like a big goof. but it just didn't feel right. i didn't feel... me. i felt like i morphed into this whole other person, like a wax shell engulfed my entire being. like all the sounds i'm hearing were heard with different ears. all sights seen with different eyes. all words spoken with different lips.

i hate feeling like that. and people tell me to "grow up". to be a "big girl now". sometimes, they don't even have to say anything. the exude this totally obvious  vibe and it is utterly unsettling. it radiates through my entire being, my mind goes into a spin. i feel like i have to jump into a time machine and come back as a totally older "me" just to fit in.

well, in my defense:

• i love wearing elastic shorts. they make my tummy feel like its being hugged.
• i love eating junk food. who doesn't?
• i know my blubbery tummy is a "problem" and i should exercise more, but hey. i'm trying okay?
• i know i've gained a few pounds, but... i'm fat, you're ugly. and i can diet.

am i fat?
my BMI seems fine
i weigh 54 kilos. that's only 4 kilos gained.
i'm definitely taller than 160 centimetres.
and
... my dresses fit better now, actually.

doesn't my height

and my pale skin

make up for my "fatness"?

looks like

it's back to

the gym.